How to deal with children who are struggling with behavior

Most children want to behave.  Most children wake up in the morning and want to behave in school and at home, even those who struggle to maintain their behavior.  So, what happened?

Many factors influence behavior, such as environment, interactions with peers, interactions with adults, parents, genetics, and societal norms and expectations. Behavior is the outward reaction to an experience that the child or person underwent. Behavior is neither positive nor negative, it is just a reaction to something.  Society has classified what behaviors are positive and which ones are negative.  Children need to be taught what are the expectations in their environment.  Children even need to be taught the expected behaviors are home.  They also need to explain the reason behind the behavior expectations.  For example, at home, one expectation is no name-calling.  The reason can create anxiety and depression for someone else in the family.  We treat people with respect, compassion, and care in our family.  So many times, when the child goes to school, they hear adults and other children name-calling it can be very baffling for them.

Many times, the expected behaviors at school are different than the expected behaviors at home.  If the behaviors are not taught in school, it mystifies the child.  Then the factors that influence his/her behavior in the learning environment get very perplexing and confusing for the child.  When the environment is confusing for the child that is when the child may have a reaction that is not an expected behavior.

When the child is confused in the environment that child will rely on behaviors that will protect them or help them.  It could be avoidance, refusal, disruptive, or oppositional.  That behavior may seem like it came out of the blue but to the child, it did not.  The behavior that the child is displaying has a purpose for the child.  As adults/professionals, we need to figure out the purpose of that behavior.  For example, a child has a meltdown right before brushing his/her teeth.  You discover you changed his/her toothpaste, and he/she does not like the new flavor of the toothpaste.  The child had a severe reaction to the change of flavor.  Some adults may say that it is an overaction but if the child gets nauseous from the flavor it is understandable.  Behavior needs to be understood.  As adults, we need to be detectives to figure out what the child is saying about his/her behaviors.

Some ideas to help children with struggling behaviors are:

Teach the expectations  – that you want to see.  At home, it can be as simple as how to hang up his/her backpack.  At school, it could be how to hang up his/her coat and backpack.  Do not assume everyone knows how to do

Create routines – such as going to the bathroom.  At home, it could mean they need to get a book or something to read before going to the bathroom.  At school, teach a signal the child could use if he/she needs to go to the bathroom.  Remember so many times when a child raises a hand they just need to go to the bathroom.  So, create a non-verbal signal for the bathroom.

Give choices – Allow the child to make choices for behaviors at home and school.  It can be as simple as what would he/she like to do watch TV or a video game, or what assignment would he/she like to do.

Give responsibility and natural consequences.  Allow the child to make mistakes and have natural consequences for his/her actions.  Each child should have responsibilities every day at home and school.  It makes the child feel a part of the environment.

Learn more on how to help children struggling with behaviors at my weekly Zoom meeting. It is to help parents and professionals on September 1, 2024, from 2:00-2:45 EST

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